I'm touched by your prayers every week!

The sustaining strength I have week to week as I serve as Lead Pastor at my church, lead my own family, AND teach via the Morning Mindset is evidence that your support through prayer is powerful! I couldn’t do this without you!

When I started listening to Morning mindset, the reason I deliberately sought it out was its length…Not out of convenience, but out of necessity. Although I truly believe I accepted Jesus as a young 5 year old, I was under attack of sacrilegious intrusive thoughts most of my life, from about 10 years old and on. These thoughts terrified me greatly; I felt condemned for even thinking them, powerless to stop them, and whenever I tried to read the Bible, worship or listen to worship songs, pray, or pay attention at church, the intrusive thoughts got worse. 

They disturbed me so deeply, I began to avoid those things and distract myself in public settings like church so as to not allow the thoughts more focus than need be. I didn’t even know how to describe what I was going through; my worst fear is that if I confided in someone, they might tell me I was actually possessed or had thought too many creepy things and was now condemned to an eternity without Jesus. I thought Jesus was distant from me; mad, maybe even disgusted, at this inner battle I fought for so long. 

I tried to do all the “right” things, thinking maybe if I proved I wanted His help enough, He might actually free me from this. It didn’t work. Finally as an 18 year old my life had imploded. Around 10yo was when I had began learning Chinese with the full intent of becoming a missionary and martyr overseas, and at 18 I had become fluent in Chinese and worked hard to raise enough money on my own to go on an exchange program my senior year. I thought all my problems of unbelonging from God and people would disappear once I actually got to where I was meant to be and ultimately fulfill my life’s purpose evangelizing for Christ. 

Again, I was wrong; wherever you go, there you are. The intrusive thoughts consumed me along with crippling social anxiety…which was REALLY hard in the rural countryside of Taiwan where I was the only blonde haired white person and seen as a novelty of sorts. It was there that an eating disorder I had begun developing a couple years beforehand progressed to the point of requiring me to return home for hospitalization. At 75 pounds, I felt I failed my purpose. I failed God. I felt worse than ever; I had even tried performing exorcisms on myself in desperation…why was my life like this? I only ever tried so hard to earn His love? It hurt so much, and it was a combination of hurt from God and shame and blame for myself. 

I also resented my parents for making me come home, because although I was in very poor health having developed many problems with internal organs and a heart murmur, I still felt it was unnecessary I come home and fail my purpose in life. So I moved out with one of my only 2 friends who I believed to be a strong Christian, but she had been living a double life. This apartment was full of drinking and drugs, and there I met their drug dealer and decided he was the love of my life. 

It didn’t end well; I had made it clear I was saving myself for marriage, and he had said that was fine, but ultimately ended up raping me and that was how I lost my virginity. I felt at that time like any scrap of grace I ever had from God was gone. It was useless; my whole life was ruined, I had nothing left for God to love or favor. And I ended up becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol to escape it all; the intrusive thoughts, the obsession with the eating disorder, the pain and heartache and trauma…I just wanted to forget it all, and had no hope God would help me as He hadn’t when I was striving for perfection, so why would He when I was completely wayward. 

Several years the battle of addiction went on; more bad choices were made…eloping with another addict  a decade my senior when I was 19, it being a physically abusive marriage full of infidelity as well as emotional and mental abuse, and he left many times without warning or just saying he never loved me and we’re divorcing. By 23 when he left for good and I began the divorce process I had been on methadone for about a year and a half to get off heroin and had recently started drinking again when I met my now-husband. 

We got pregnant which I thought was a miracle, but I lost him and was again absolutely gutted and added it to my list of hurt from God and blame for self; like I somehow deserved losing my child for the culmination of my life. I ended up getting off methadone cold turkey but still struggled with suicidal tendencies and occasionally alcohol abuse. 

About a year later we were blessed with our rainbow baby; but at that time I had resigned myself to running from anything God related—not because I didn’t love or fear Him…I feared Him greatly!! I cared for Him greatly—but it was my way of trying to salvage any bit of relationship we had left, because I knew the intrusive thoughts were horrible and nasty whenever I tried to pray more than a five second prayer or read Bible, worship, etc. It became more of an unsaid “Jesus, you KNOW I love You; I wish SO BADLY I could just be with You…talk to You, listen to You…but I just can’t afford to have those sacrilegious thoughts…I don’t want to push you away more or heap more coals on my head” 

It wasn’t until my daughter was 3 and we had moved away from my family and home state to my husband’s that things became so miserable, I had no choice but to do something drastically different. A couple years of complete solitude as a SAHM in a state I knew no one left me trapped in my head with daily panic attacks. Alcohol no longer worked to numb me to pains and fears; it only amplified them. My imagination was no longer a safe place to escape reality…it turned on me and I had no one to help me out. 

Last year, the night before Easter Sunday, I completely broke down to God as I had done many times…but this time I had no reservations. I said, You’re all I got, and if this doesn’t work, I have no plan B. “You KNOW the intrusive thoughts…you KNOW my fears…my social dread, especially from churches…but You can have whatever You want; I’ll do whatever You want, give whatever I have… I can’t live like this anymore. It isn’t living. Every day I count down until I’m asleep.” 

Sorry for all this lengthiness!! Surely didn’t mean to but it is to say, the plans of many are many, but the Lord’s purpose prevails. I thoroughly did not enjoy many turns my life took…until I realized where they were taking me. That desperation brought me to Morning Mindset; I thought…maybe I can handle the intense onslaught of intrusive thoughts for five minutes, and this is my first step of faith allowing God to change things for me. My second was finding a church within walking distance and running to it with my daughter in tow the next morning. 

I was AMAZED. Never had I been to church and experienced what I did…and that’s really something because I spent my whole childhood into early adulthood in churches. I immediately was flooded with the Holy Spirit; a sense of complete peace, love, connection…with others, with Jesus. This became my church home and I still pray and love my family there even though we moved back to my home state earlier this year. 

Now, I wish I could say the intrusive thoughts disappeared thereafter; they did not. But His grace IS sufficient. The display of His love and power that Sunday was enough to fuel me to keep pursuing Him full out, DESPITE the intrusive thoughts. I continued listening to morning mindset, and started reading the Bible. I continued asking for prayers at church for deliverance, and eventually began stepping out more and more in faith…even starting to do Pray Together episodes…which was no small feat for me because I really didn’t want intrusive bad thoughts interfering with my prayers for other people.

I also have had prayer requests I’ve shared to Morning Mindset; some of which were about my husband really coming to know Jesus in such a way that He becomes the spiritual leader of our household God designed Him to be…

And a year and a half later, He has begun coming to church, reading the Bible, and every time we discuss God I am AMAZED by the wealth of faith He has. This is from a man who, although he has always acted Christlike- self sacrificing in humility, quick to forgive, slow to anger, repaying evil with good—had been thoroughly averse to even having discussions about Jesus a year and a half ago. He was combative when I started going to church and resentful when I started changing what I watched and listened to…so…absolutely the power of prayer is astounding, and God’s ways and timing are both mysterious and awe-inspiring. 

I also had asked for prayer when I was early on in pregnancy the end of last year. Again, praise God! We have a beautiful healthy little four month old. My husband and I formally dedicated our kids together a couple months ago, and I’ve thought many times about sending this kind of sentiment before but felt this was the right timing(: I know it’s not even a particular podcast in it of itself that transforms lives, but it is the Holy Spirit working through you, working through this ministry, and for that reason, I just wanted to encourage you and thank you for being faithful to this ministry; it is having great impact, praying you and your family continue to be blessed through this and keep depending on God. We can do nothing apart from Him…but He can work wonders through us; and He does, and He is, and all the more praise to Him! :)